Well anxiety, I guess it’s me and you drowning to Death.
What a day in amazing NQ the Blue sky the perfect water as calm as a millpond and I’m out fishing on the reef! Shooting along in a family friends 7.1 cyclone with its big ass Honda outboard pushing along to our next spot. For those of you who don’t know cyclones boats are used for racing they are a brilliant and extremely safe boat……anyway. Beautiful day blah blah…..that’s right…..I have done this a hundred times, been on long line fishing boats, grew up on the water with my old man, jumped waves breaking over Mooloolaba port. (Uncle Greg If your reading this yes the Queenslander, the boat you got from dad used to jump completely out of the water when I was 17 😂).
We had just seen a striped marlin come up and broadside underneath the boat and look at us and swim away and this thing was bigger than the boat one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen in my life. Snapped my new rod on a 80 or 90cm black king fish and still got him in the boat. Perfect day apart from the rod snapping. We start to head home…….and I’m sitting in the back of the boat watching my old man and his mate Squid both with 40+ years experience navigate home. And my mind starts to race. I hear a strange noise “was that a cracking sound?” No one else noticed it it’s not a problem.
My hearts now racing to match my mind, my skins clammy but I’m burning up from the rush of blood, my hearts pumping so hard it hurts what’s happening here….”the boats going to break and to pieces and the outboards going to fall off we are all going to drown!!!” My mind shoots me into a spin “I’m going to die here, we are all going to die! Why can’t anyone else see this is about to happen?”
I close my eyes because I can’t actually talk and wait for the inevitable…….that never came. At some point I think my dad may have noticed and said it’s ok mate the boats fine but that didn’t help a bit.
Huh. That was ummm interesting completely irrational and I knew it but I couldn’t stop that thought I though for sure that it was the end and I was gonna drown.
Anxiety and panic attacks are fucked, your mind literally can stop you in your tracks and make your body do some weird shit. More then once I’ve been hospitalised because my panic attacks where so bad I thought I was having a heart attack…..nope just my my anxiety saying “hi, how can I fuck with you today?”…..it can be debilitating and embarrassing, ever seen a big tattooed up man curled up like a little bitch cos his scared of a voice in his head or a feeling he has? Would Look pretty stupid huh. Well that’s been me more a few times to.
So what is anxiety, besides being shitty. Well the definition for it is “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome”.
Cool story google!
Anxiety is cold sweats, clammy skin, pains or tightness in the chest, I dead set thought I was having a heart attack more then once. It’s the fear of something so unrealistic happening and you believing it is going to happen but at the same time you know it’s unrealistic and everyone thinks your a nut bag for thinking it……
Why does it happen? A hundred doctors will give you a hundred answers and the truth is the reason is different for all of us, some situation or event or maybe a mental illness like in my Case. The “Why?” is something for you and your psychologist to figure out.
How do we cope or get through an anxiety attack? Some people do breathing exercises, some use calming music Personally I like mindfulness a form of meditation in which you focus on the things around you. With closed eyes I start with my toes and work my way up focusing on the feelings of things on my skin and the sounds around me I’m not trained in mindfulness nor am I a “therapist” so I’m going to put some links here so you can have a little look for yourself.
Obviously this doesn’t work every time and attacks can be so bad you need to be hospitalised. The best way to combat this is to get your professional support network in order. A good GP for referrals, A psychologist, remember not all psychologist will be right for you never feel trapped into staying with the same one try again the perfect one is out there for you! And a psychiatrist if you have a diagnosed mental illness. This professional support network can help find the root cause for your anxiety and give you the tools to cope and manage your anxiety so you can live a normal life.
Oh one more thing
FUCK YOU ANXIETY!
Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019