Self-Annihilation.

by | Apr 2, 2019 | Bipolar | 0 comments

2 Apr 2019

A lot of you reading this will have heard the term Bipolar. Some of you will never ever have to live with it or have someone live with you who suffers from it and you all should consider yourselves blessed.

This illness is nothing less than an asshole. At one end of the bi polar scale you have depression, depression is something that everyone on earth as experienced at some point in their lives to some degree. The depression part of bipolar is something that every accepts and understands. The other end of the scale is Mania or hyper mania. Mania is something that unless you have experienced it for yourself you will never understand. It is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s something I don’t understand and its been part of my life since I can remember. Its marketed to by the big mental health organisations as euphoria…. sounds fun can be that bad. Sounds kinda fun actually…. fuck you beyond blue, hitting that mania lottery of euphoria happens well, almost as often as you win the lotto.

A manic mind is consumed with self-hate and horrible things. We struggle to push through this without impacting ourselves and our families for a bit then BAM. The demon in our mind takes over, I call mine ARCHY, I am predominantly manic, so my mind is a constant battle with Archie and his mess of hatred, ignorance, hypersexual and straight up ass hole behaviour. It’s something someone with a healthy brain could never fathom. This Demon this illness has complete control over my mind my actions it has control over me. And I battle to regain that control but even still the illness has complete control over me.

Recently I have been doing well, as you probably know reading this I’ve been working on the Grey Space trying to form a network to help others like myself. For the first time in a long time I was winning, I was getting my shit together my dream of helping people was becoming a reality. I was starting to mend bridges with my wife and it was looking hopeful I was going to have a real family back not this slightly broken one. My medication was working, and I continued to take it something I have never done before, I was happy I had purpose I had my family life was going to be good!

Trigger number 1. A person from my past told me some horrible things to do with child abuse and it all tied in with a group on the coast I’ve tried to expose before on the sunshine coast called “the Family” and they hurt people I grew up with. Yeah that’s right your smug pricks I will come for you. But in the meantime, this Rocked me, I fact checked with my mother and she confirmed shed tried to expose it back then and she was shut down… Rocked. Couldn’t handle what I was hearing.

Trigger number 2. A beautiful lady shared her story with me to post on grey space, its still up. It’s a perfect snapshot into a suicidal mind. So close to home for me. Rocked again. Couldn’t handle the suicidal thoughts in my brain.

I should have reached out for help. But around the time trigger number one happened it was too late. ENTER ARCHY.  This is the part no one can understand no one can believe no one can accept.

Archie has complete control over me, I have no control over me when the bipolar takes over completely. I fight, and I fight with him but when I lose…. TOTAL Annihilation, complete and total self-destruction.  I will not go into details of Archie’s most recent reign over me has destroyed my life and the lived of people I love more then anything in the whole world my family.

I’ve lied, I’ve cheated, and I’ve made disgusting choices that destroyed people around me and destroyed my last chance at having my family back together ever because I hurt the one person who stood by me, stuck staunch by me and supported me even through my darkest depths of mental illness and suicide attempts. This person is truly beautiful inside and out deserves far far more than the hell I have put her through.

To sit in the passenger seat of your own life is horrible. It is like the devil has the remote control to you and knows exactly what to make you do to destroy your life, sometimes its so bad you don’t even remember it happened and wake up to the nuclear wasteland that is your life. Sometimes you stupidly try to hide it, so you don’t hurt people thinking it’s the best thing…its not. To come back from an episode where you have destroyed everything around you is unexplainable. To lose your best friend, your family and your son because of an episode is far worse then death. Death would be sweet. My most recent battle with Archie has been 2 years in the making, triggers including losing a job, not having our own space, family interference and off course the trigger of all triggers my son was put in danger, after being explicitly told he wasn’t to be taken to a certain house of people I suspected where paedophiles. He was taken there while I was away, and his mother’s head was planted firmly in her uni work, always bettering herself to be a better mother and wife for her family. The catalyst to Archie’s comes back from hell. In this time, I’ve battle with drugs again, separation, suicide attempts and sexual addiction. Our final battle has come and gone, and he has won. My life, my family my hopes and dreams shattered into 10 million pieces then scattered into the ocean never to be put back together ever again. I have broken the most beautiful person I have ever met or had the privilege to have in my life as both a lover a best friend and the mother of my son. I have lost my son and he has lost his father, it will never be the same again and I have hurt others in the process good people who never deserved this.

I can put the blame on Arch and my illness all I want, but my illness and I are one and the same to everyone around me and now I must deal with the consequences of Archie’s actions. To everyone I have hurt I am truly sorry. All I can do is try to move forward and hope and pray for forgiveness in some form or another.

This scenario is real, this happened and it’s not only me. This happens to almost all of us with Bi Polar we are stuck in an ever-perpetual cycle of getting on track then having our demon illness destroy everything in one foul swoop.

Bipolar is my curse

Archie is my demon

We all have one or more. By we I mean bipolar sufferers, I have three distinct personalities there is me Ben, apparently, I’m a beautiful amazing person…. Then there is Russo and then there is the DEMON Archie. The other two personalities quite literally control me, they isolate me the make us hurt the people around us, its there way of saying we couldn’t kill you, so we will break you and everything you love to piece so you must suffer in pain forever.

To all of you with bi polar I know your struggles I feel your pain but please please reach out and get help before its too late. Talk to your loved one Don’t let your Archie get you and bend you over and fuck you in the ass like mine fucked me. REACH OUT don’t wait. Don’t make my mistake and try to battle alone.

Families, friends, wife’s, girlfriends, husbands,’ brothers’, sisters’, uncles’, aunts whoever if you have a loved one that has bipolar and you notice they are becoming angry or irritable or they are displaying those behaviours you know are manic. REACH OUT AND GRAB THEM AND SHAKE THEM AND SAY HEY COME BACK YOU CAN WIN YOU CAN BEAT THIS HORRIBLE DEMON IN YOUR MIND AND LOCK IT AWAY. You can help us, and we need you to, sometimes we just cannot do it alone. Look your loved one in the eye look past their illness and reach inside them, your love is stronger then you all know use that love to bring them back.

This illness is a curse on us and our families.

To everyone I have hurt I am truly sorry and will forever punish myself for the actions of my Archie controlled mind.

IM SORRY

Written by:

Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This