“I hope I will never become a suicide victim”
The following journal entry was sent into me by a very brave and strong woman who I cannot thank enough for sharing with me and allowing me to give the world a glimpse into a noisy mind, This journal entry epitimises the the struggles we go through daily and shows how much we fight to live. Please use your discretion before reading this journal entry.
This journal entry contains high Trigger content. If you or someone close to you is experiencing Distress or is immediate danger call 000. For support please call Lifeline on 131114
Today was meant to be the day I died.
It started of as any other day, I slept well, woke up with a clear mind and did my routine and then I went to work, I work as a disability carer, I worked 8am to 3pm. I left work it takes about 20 mins. Then it happened, I was listening to the radio with a BeeGee’s song came on ( tragedy ). Then the voice said ” your life is a tragedy”. Then the headache, then the storms hits. My head is full of black clouds with lightning going through it, the thoughts are flying around everywhere. ” your no good. your useless, your fat, you cant do anything right, your family wont miss your. Just kill yourself, you will be better off, no Pain….”
“Just do it, look there is a tree just smash into it”. Then i realised what i was doing, i was off the road heading for the tree, i slammed my brakes on, i looked up and there was the tree. Well i got hit big time with the voices, “you are useless, you cant do nothing right, you’re pathetic.” OMG Just shut up, stop talking, i cant take it anymore, 15 years of this I am going insane. I want it to stop. I got home and walked straight into my bedroom, i didnt even say hello to my son, i barricaded the door, had a shower, got into my PJ’s and took all my pills. I didnt make it to my bed, I was found on the floor by my son, he called the ambulance. I woke up by a nurse who was rubbing my chest bone with her knuckles. It was hurting , i told her to “Fuck off or I will stab her in the eye”. I realised i was not in heaven but still alive, great I am uselessi cant even kill myself. I felt so guiltythat my son found me, ts been 7 years since this suicide attemptand we havent talked about it. I dont think i could handle what he thought about that day.
I am still having the voices, I have had 2 more suicide attempts since this one. Everyone says that its a s sign that i am still here and i am meant to be here. I think I am getting better, I am learning to control the voices and negative thoughts. I hope i will never become a suicide victim…..
Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019