Who ordered another diagnosis?
The last few years have been interesting for me, a few years that I have assumed was one long string of manic and mixed states and for the most part I would say that it was.
My last psychology session, the first since my epic meltdown, going through the most recent events of my self-destruction to the best of my recollection. My Psych tells me what I had a few weeks ago was not just a manic episode… It was a Psychotic Episode. Shit. Ok. She explains why, and it makes sense to me. We dive a little deeper and she asks why I say “apparently” to describe certain situations.
I explain that I have black outs and don’t remember things, we delve deeper still, and I realise there is entire periods of my life I have no recollection of I just thought I had a bad memory. An example of this happened many years ago, walking at the sunshine plaza with my partner and a guy came up who clearly knew me, called me by name and claimed and explained that we had hung out he was excited to see me. Still to this day I have no clue who the person was and couldn’t even explain what he looked like…
Back to the session… This is where it got interesting for me, the possibility of a personality disorder is being talked about between myself and my psychologist. I have possibly been living with Dissociative identity disorder (DID) or a version / part of it…
DID is a rare condition in which two or more distinct identities, or personality states, are present in—and alternately take control of—an individual. The person also experiences memory loss that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. It is characterized by a fragmentation or splintering of identity, rather than by a proliferation or growth of separate personalities.
She probes more, something my psychologist rarely does but many questions are being thrown at me, she explains things and gives explanations and she explains a personality. I reply, “That sounds like Archie”. She explains another personality. I reply again “That sounds like Russo”.
My psychologist replies with an equally worried but excited look on her face, excited because of a potential breakthrough. “you have named them? Why haven’t you told me this before?”
I Had mentioned Archie before, but it was in passing and I always explained it as Archie was my bipolar illness and I was me and that’s how I tried to differentiate myself from the manic shit I’d do during an episode.
We go through more and more during the session, so much so the session ran well over the hour and my minds blown.
I think back to my last blog, Unknowingly I had described my DID, thinking I was describing my bi polar disorder, which yes, I still have. Now I just have the possibility of an extra label or part of one.
My family and myself read about DID, and look back over the last 10, 20, 30 years. And so many things I have done make sense to me, but more so to my family. Things I have done and said and how I have acted.
It is a strange yet wonderful feeling having a possible new diagnosis, it is like having a massive weight lifted from your shoulders. A sudden explanation to explain the extreme and extra things bipolar couldn’t quite explain. It seems wrong me being excited of the fact I have 3 Identities residing in my mind that can take over when triggered or in certain situations. I’m not happy it happens, it’s a shit fight for me and my loved ones. But I am happy to finally have this insight into the cause of why I do the fucked-up shit that I do. I’m looking forward to exploring and learning the ins and outs of this disorder and ultimately using that information to learn to control the other identities and keep them locked up where they belong.
Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019