Self-Annihilation.

Self-Annihilation.

Self-Annihilation.

2 Apr 2019

A lot of you reading this will have heard the term Bipolar. Some of you will never ever have to live with it or have someone live with you who suffers from it and you all should consider yourselves blessed.

This illness is nothing less than an asshole. At one end of the bi polar scale you have depression, depression is something that everyone on earth as experienced at some point in their lives to some degree. The depression part of bipolar is something that every accepts and understands. The other end of the scale is Mania or hyper mania. Mania is something that unless you have experienced it for yourself you will never understand. It is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s something I don’t understand and its been part of my life since I can remember. Its marketed to by the big mental health organisations as euphoria…. sounds fun can be that bad. Sounds kinda fun actually…. fuck you beyond blue, hitting that mania lottery of euphoria happens well, almost as often as you win the lotto.

A manic mind is consumed with self-hate and horrible things. We struggle to push through this without impacting ourselves and our families for a bit then BAM. The demon in our mind takes over, I call mine ARCHY, I am predominantly manic, so my mind is a constant battle with Archie and his mess of hatred, ignorance, hypersexual and straight up ass hole behaviour. It’s something someone with a healthy brain could never fathom. This Demon this illness has complete control over my mind my actions it has control over me. And I battle to regain that control but even still the illness has complete control over me.

Recently I have been doing well, as you probably know reading this I’ve been working on the Grey Space trying to form a network to help others like myself. For the first time in a long time I was winning, I was getting my shit together my dream of helping people was becoming a reality. I was starting to mend bridges with my wife and it was looking hopeful I was going to have a real family back not this slightly broken one. My medication was working, and I continued to take it something I have never done before, I was happy I had purpose I had my family life was going to be good!

Trigger number 1. A person from my past told me some horrible things to do with child abuse and it all tied in with a group on the coast I’ve tried to expose before on the sunshine coast called “the Family” and they hurt people I grew up with. Yeah that’s right your smug pricks I will come for you. But in the meantime, this Rocked me, I fact checked with my mother and she confirmed shed tried to expose it back then and she was shut down… Rocked. Couldn’t handle what I was hearing.

Trigger number 2. A beautiful lady shared her story with me to post on grey space, its still up. It’s a perfect snapshot into a suicidal mind. So close to home for me. Rocked again. Couldn’t handle the suicidal thoughts in my brain.

I should have reached out for help. But around the time trigger number one happened it was too late. ENTER ARCHY.  This is the part no one can understand no one can believe no one can accept.

Archie has complete control over me, I have no control over me when the bipolar takes over completely. I fight, and I fight with him but when I lose…. TOTAL Annihilation, complete and total self-destruction.  I will not go into details of Archie’s most recent reign over me has destroyed my life and the lived of people I love more then anything in the whole world my family.

I’ve lied, I’ve cheated, and I’ve made disgusting choices that destroyed people around me and destroyed my last chance at having my family back together ever because I hurt the one person who stood by me, stuck staunch by me and supported me even through my darkest depths of mental illness and suicide attempts. This person is truly beautiful inside and out deserves far far more than the hell I have put her through.

To sit in the passenger seat of your own life is horrible. It is like the devil has the remote control to you and knows exactly what to make you do to destroy your life, sometimes its so bad you don’t even remember it happened and wake up to the nuclear wasteland that is your life. Sometimes you stupidly try to hide it, so you don’t hurt people thinking it’s the best thing…its not. To come back from an episode where you have destroyed everything around you is unexplainable. To lose your best friend, your family and your son because of an episode is far worse then death. Death would be sweet. My most recent battle with Archie has been 2 years in the making, triggers including losing a job, not having our own space, family interference and off course the trigger of all triggers my son was put in danger, after being explicitly told he wasn’t to be taken to a certain house of people I suspected where paedophiles. He was taken there while I was away, and his mother’s head was planted firmly in her uni work, always bettering herself to be a better mother and wife for her family. The catalyst to Archie’s comes back from hell. In this time, I’ve battle with drugs again, separation, suicide attempts and sexual addiction. Our final battle has come and gone, and he has won. My life, my family my hopes and dreams shattered into 10 million pieces then scattered into the ocean never to be put back together ever again. I have broken the most beautiful person I have ever met or had the privilege to have in my life as both a lover a best friend and the mother of my son. I have lost my son and he has lost his father, it will never be the same again and I have hurt others in the process good people who never deserved this.

I can put the blame on Arch and my illness all I want, but my illness and I are one and the same to everyone around me and now I must deal with the consequences of Archie’s actions. To everyone I have hurt I am truly sorry. All I can do is try to move forward and hope and pray for forgiveness in some form or another.

This scenario is real, this happened and it’s not only me. This happens to almost all of us with Bi Polar we are stuck in an ever-perpetual cycle of getting on track then having our demon illness destroy everything in one foul swoop.

Bipolar is my curse

Archie is my demon

We all have one or more. By we I mean bipolar sufferers, I have three distinct personalities there is me Ben, apparently, I’m a beautiful amazing person…. Then there is Russo and then there is the DEMON Archie. The other two personalities quite literally control me, they isolate me the make us hurt the people around us, its there way of saying we couldn’t kill you, so we will break you and everything you love to piece so you must suffer in pain forever.

To all of you with bi polar I know your struggles I feel your pain but please please reach out and get help before its too late. Talk to your loved one Don’t let your Archie get you and bend you over and fuck you in the ass like mine fucked me. REACH OUT don’t wait. Don’t make my mistake and try to battle alone.

Families, friends, wife’s, girlfriends, husbands,’ brothers’, sisters’, uncles’, aunts whoever if you have a loved one that has bipolar and you notice they are becoming angry or irritable or they are displaying those behaviours you know are manic. REACH OUT AND GRAB THEM AND SHAKE THEM AND SAY HEY COME BACK YOU CAN WIN YOU CAN BEAT THIS HORRIBLE DEMON IN YOUR MIND AND LOCK IT AWAY. You can help us, and we need you to, sometimes we just cannot do it alone. Look your loved one in the eye look past their illness and reach inside them, your love is stronger then you all know use that love to bring them back.

This illness is a curse on us and our families.

To everyone I have hurt I am truly sorry and will forever punish myself for the actions of my Archie controlled mind.

IM SORRY

Written by:

Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019

A Rambled Reflection

A Rambled Reflection

A Rambled Reflection

11 Mar 2019

WARNING THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF SQUIRRELS

PSA – SQUIRRELS is a slang term used for the anti-psychotic medication called Seroquel used in the treatment of Bi-Polar disorder. Ash stop laughing at the warning and do some work.

Not too long ago an idea was formed, an idea to write a blog of my personal experiences and how they co related to mental health and suicide in the hopes of giving hope to just one person. To even reach that one person and give them sense of comradery with me and to know they aren’t alone in what they are going through and to inspire them to live on. While this idea was being spoken about another idea formed…a collaborative one I can’t take all the credit, but if anyone asks its all me. This goal, this idea, this fucking pipe dream throw away idea that was talked about between my carer and myself was beautiful but felt like a dead end…… ”the system is broken the shit is just floating” … and who are we to do a damn thing about it anyway?………

“Just write the blog” I would tell myself, procrastinating it……I’m not a real writer unless I say I have writers block right? So yeah just write the blog and get it up and let people see it and connect with it, show them it is OK to not be OK! To normalise mental health and suicide issues so many of us face. So, I did, building the blog website…NOT TOO FUCKING SHABBY AY. I am no web designer but I done alright ay…excuse me my north Queensland is showing “AY”….ahem…..and the more I showed people and talked about it they asked why and the story would come out and the long term goal of creating an organisation that would provide services in the gaps we had identified was at the end and was was the cherry on top…..

The response was and is still over whelming, out of curiosity I put all the ideas we had into the website and designed a logo sitting on the couch one night…. chucked it all together and……

Woah…. What have I done…. the response was so good, it quite literally had given me Goosebumps a few times while simultaneously shitting my god damn pants. so I made a go fund me which turned into a little bit of a social media frenzy that turned into my ugly mug on a half-page newspaper article in the sunshine coast daily. No autographs till the end please.

It’s a reality! This is happening! Feedback from industry professionals has been fantastic. I just spent the day in a room full of industry professionals holding my own in a suicide workshop, my experience shone through and I am fucking proud of myself. I’m proud of the people helping me. I’m thankful for the quite unbelievable outpouring of support we are getting from the public…. Most of all I am thankful I’m being able to make a real difference in the lives of peoples suffering mental illness and suicide.

Written by:

Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019

who the hell am I ?

who the hell am I ?

who the hell am I ?

19 Feb 2019

Who am I ? And why should you read my stories and rantings? well, I am a no one, I am a dad, I am a husband…..well kind of, separations a bitch. I’m a friend, I’m a brother, I’m a son,…most importantly. I am Bi-Polar….and I am just like you.

Chances are if you’re reading this you either are a head case like me…oh heyyy…. or you are a family member, carer or friend of someone who is, other wise you wouldn’t have given a toss about a mental health blog.

So why should you read my stories and rants? well honestly I don’t care if you do or you don’t. But if you do you hopefully you will realise you are not alone you are not going through this shit by your self. you are not the only one. I hope to help show those of you who feel this way that you are not alone. That although we all manifest slightly different we all go through the highs and the lows, the manic episodes with the shitty hypersexual behaviour that caused us to cheat on our partner, the irritability over nothing that caused us to scream at our kids and the euphoric highs that crash down to earth into a depressive heap in our beds and the bursting into tears for absolutely no reason at all.

Also for you family members and friends, there will be things written just for you, by people just like you. My family members, my friends will contribute about how they deal with me and my messy fucking life.

I want to show you mental illness from both sides, the raw uncut un-clinical mess that is our lives. To show you family members that you all go through this the same as my family members and every other mentally ill persons family members. To show you that you guys are fuckin special to put up with our shit and are most definitely not the only people in the world to experience the wonderful times and the very dark times that come along with a mentally ill person.

Hi I’m Ben and I’m Bipolar, come along for the ride, or not (pussy) but if you do you’ll get some laughs maybe some tears but hopefully some sense of not being alone in the dark scary world of mental illness….

  Deep inside where nothing is fine, I have lost my mind……unknown

Written by:

Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019

Just shut up

Just shut up

Just shut up

19 Feb 2019

Seriously people you have no fucking idea so just shut the fuck up. Id hoped my first blog/article would be uplifting and possibly nurturing to both sufferers of mental illness and also our family, friends and carers…….

Instead I’m gonna say a few things we all want to say to our close family and friends but usually cant for what ever reasons we have…
In the last few weeks or so I’ve been reminded by a new friend just how damaging our well meaning family and friends can be. Not so fun and uplifting. soo here goes.

I met sally a few weeks ago through a friend, I was doing some password and account recovery ( I am a geek in my day job). Sally has just through a pretty epic domestic violence situation so you could imagine was a bit of a mess, no problem I’ve been around plenty of people going through hell and helped them through their shit.

Anyway – when being introduced to sally by her family member Kate, who don’t get me wrong is an absolutely beautiful person who would have no ill intent towards anyone, I was told something along the lines of “don’t mind her, she is Bi-Polar….” I remember thinking “who give a shit? so do I.” but brushed it of and went about doing the job for sally. nice girl, definitely Bi-Polar though haha..

As Bi-polar people do when we find out someone else we have met is bi-polar we start to compare stories of how our illness effects us in our daily lives. Now I’ve been diagnosed a decade this year, so I’ve had a good long time to learn to stand up for myself when people stick their noses into my diagnoses….but for sally, 21, barely diagnosed and still finding her way, still coming to terms that she now has this thing, this beast with a label. Having a constant intrusion of although well meaning family and friends tell her that they think she Jus has anxiety or just depression, oooh my personal fucking favourite! “you have ADD” can be detrimental and often be a trigger to some epic mood shifts. And really people the anxiety, the depression the ADD like behaviour haha all these things are either part of the illness or looks damn sure like a hyper manic person haha ADD.

shit….. oh right… My point is we struggle enough, we doubt ourselves more then any other person with a healthy mind and this CONSTANT barrage of BULLSHIT , DR GOOGLE Uneducated no fucking idea about mental illness home diagnoses cos you think you know something about something is just counter productive. SO JUST SHUT UP!

Having Bi-Polar, OCD, schizophrenia, depression or any other mental illness isn’t just a GP saying “hey you have this, have these pills now off you pop to live your life.” NO we have doctors, case managers, psychologist, psych nurses and psychiatrists….a whole team of Professionals who help to manage our diagnosed illness, which by the way cant be done by anyone but a psychiatrist. so please just shut , because although all these professionals have told us what we have, we still trust our friends and family more. we will question everything told to us if our loved ones tell us they think we aren’t what we have been told we are.

So what can you do that’s productive?

Just be there, listen when we talk and try you best not to judge some of the outrages shit we will do lol. But what need is simple, be with us be our family, be our friends. Treat us like you would any other friend or family member. We have the clinical support networks, what we need is to be treated as normal as possible by our family and friends.

Ahh normal if only…….haha

But seriously just shut up and leave the diagnosing for professionals and I don’t mean bloody GPs either but that’s another rant for another day .

Written by:

Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019

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