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Who ordered another diagnosis?

Who ordered another diagnosis?

by | Apr 21, 2019 | DID

Who ordered another diagnosis?

21 Apr 2019

The last few years have been interesting for me, a few years that I have assumed was one long string of manic and mixed states and for the most part I would say that it was.

My last psychology session, the first since my epic meltdown, going through the most recent events of my self-destruction to the best of my recollection. My Psych tells me what I had a few weeks ago was not just a manic episode… It was a Psychotic Episode. Shit. Ok. She explains why, and it makes sense to me. We dive a little deeper and she asks why I say “apparently” to describe certain situations.

I explain that I have black outs and don’t remember things, we delve deeper still, and I realise there is entire periods of my life I have no recollection of I just thought I had a bad memory. An example of this happened many years ago, walking at the sunshine plaza with my partner and a guy came up who clearly knew me, called me by name and claimed and explained that we had hung out he was excited to see me. Still to this day I have no clue who the person was and couldn’t even explain what he looked like…

Back to the session… This is where it got interesting for me, the possibility of a personality disorder is being talked about between myself and my psychologist. I have possibly been living with Dissociative identity disorder (DID) or a version / part of it…

  DID is a rare condition in which two or more distinct identities, or personality states, are present in—and alternately take control of—an individual. The person also experiences memory loss that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. It is characterized by a fragmentation or splintering of identity, rather than by a proliferation or growth of separate personalities.

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY

She probes more, something my psychologist rarely does but many questions are being thrown at me, she explains things and gives explanations and she explains a personality. I reply, “That sounds like Archie”. She explains another personality. I reply again “That sounds like Russo”.

My psychologist replies with an equally worried but excited look on her face, excited because of a potential breakthrough. “you have named them? Why haven’t you told me this before?”

I Had mentioned Archie before, but it was in passing and I always explained it as Archie was my bipolar illness and I was me and that’s how I tried to differentiate myself from the manic shit I’d do during an episode.

We go through more and more during the session, so much so the session ran well over the hour and my minds blown.

I think back to my last blog, Unknowingly I had described my DID, thinking I was describing my bi polar disorder, which yes, I still have. Now I just have the possibility of an extra label or part of one.

My family and myself read about DID, and look back over the last 10, 20, 30 years. And so many things I have done make sense to me, but more so to my family. Things I have done and said and how I have acted.

It is a strange yet wonderful feeling having a possible new diagnosis, it is like having a massive weight lifted from your shoulders. A sudden explanation to explain the extreme and extra things bipolar couldn’t quite explain. It seems wrong me being excited of the fact I have 3 Identities residing in my mind that can take over when triggered or in certain situations. I’m not happy it happens, it’s a shit fight for me and my loved ones. But I am happy to finally have this insight into the cause of why I do the fucked-up shit that I do. I’m looking forward to exploring and learning the ins and outs of this disorder and ultimately using that information to learn to control the other identities and keep them locked up where they belong.

Written by:

Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019

Self-Annihilation.

Self-Annihilation.

by | Apr 2, 2019 | Bipolar

Self-Annihilation.

2 Apr 2019

A lot of you reading this will have heard the term Bipolar. Some of you will never ever have to live with it or have someone live with you who suffers from it and you all should consider yourselves blessed.

This illness is nothing less than an asshole. At one end of the bi polar scale you have depression, depression is something that everyone on earth as experienced at some point in their lives to some degree. The depression part of bipolar is something that every accepts and understands. The other end of the scale is Mania or hyper mania. Mania is something that unless you have experienced it for yourself you will never understand. It is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s something I don’t understand and its been part of my life since I can remember. Its marketed to by the big mental health organisations as euphoria…. sounds fun can be that bad. Sounds kinda fun actually…. fuck you beyond blue, hitting that mania lottery of euphoria happens well, almost as often as you win the lotto.

A manic mind is consumed with self-hate and horrible things. We struggle to push through this without impacting ourselves and our families for a bit then BAM. The demon in our mind takes over, I call mine ARCHY, I am predominantly manic, so my mind is a constant battle with Archie and his mess of hatred, ignorance, hypersexual and straight up ass hole behaviour. It’s something someone with a healthy brain could never fathom. This Demon this illness has complete control over my mind my actions it has control over me. And I battle to regain that control but even still the illness has complete control over me.

Recently I have been doing well, as you probably know reading this I’ve been working on the Grey Space trying to form a network to help others like myself. For the first time in a long time I was winning, I was getting my shit together my dream of helping people was becoming a reality. I was starting to mend bridges with my wife and it was looking hopeful I was going to have a real family back not this slightly broken one. My medication was working, and I continued to take it something I have never done before, I was happy I had purpose I had my family life was going to be good!

Trigger number 1. A person from my past told me some horrible things to do with child abuse and it all tied in with a group on the coast I’ve tried to expose before on the sunshine coast called “the Family” and they hurt people I grew up with. Yeah that’s right your smug pricks I will come for you. But in the meantime, this Rocked me, I fact checked with my mother and she confirmed shed tried to expose it back then and she was shut down… Rocked. Couldn’t handle what I was hearing.

Trigger number 2. A beautiful lady shared her story with me to post on grey space, its still up. It’s a perfect snapshot into a suicidal mind. So close to home for me. Rocked again. Couldn’t handle the suicidal thoughts in my brain.

I should have reached out for help. But around the time trigger number one happened it was too late. ENTER ARCHY.  This is the part no one can understand no one can believe no one can accept.

Archie has complete control over me, I have no control over me when the bipolar takes over completely. I fight, and I fight with him but when I lose…. TOTAL Annihilation, complete and total self-destruction.  I will not go into details of Archie’s most recent reign over me has destroyed my life and the lived of people I love more then anything in the whole world my family.

I’ve lied, I’ve cheated, and I’ve made disgusting choices that destroyed people around me and destroyed my last chance at having my family back together ever because I hurt the one person who stood by me, stuck staunch by me and supported me even through my darkest depths of mental illness and suicide attempts. This person is truly beautiful inside and out deserves far far more than the hell I have put her through.

To sit in the passenger seat of your own life is horrible. It is like the devil has the remote control to you and knows exactly what to make you do to destroy your life, sometimes its so bad you don’t even remember it happened and wake up to the nuclear wasteland that is your life. Sometimes you stupidly try to hide it, so you don’t hurt people thinking it’s the best thing…its not. To come back from an episode where you have destroyed everything around you is unexplainable. To lose your best friend, your family and your son because of an episode is far worse then death. Death would be sweet. My most recent battle with Archie has been 2 years in the making, triggers including losing a job, not having our own space, family interference and off course the trigger of all triggers my son was put in danger, after being explicitly told he wasn’t to be taken to a certain house of people I suspected where paedophiles. He was taken there while I was away, and his mother’s head was planted firmly in her uni work, always bettering herself to be a better mother and wife for her family. The catalyst to Archie’s comes back from hell. In this time, I’ve battle with drugs again, separation, suicide attempts and sexual addiction. Our final battle has come and gone, and he has won. My life, my family my hopes and dreams shattered into 10 million pieces then scattered into the ocean never to be put back together ever again. I have broken the most beautiful person I have ever met or had the privilege to have in my life as both a lover a best friend and the mother of my son. I have lost my son and he has lost his father, it will never be the same again and I have hurt others in the process good people who never deserved this.

I can put the blame on Arch and my illness all I want, but my illness and I are one and the same to everyone around me and now I must deal with the consequences of Archie’s actions. To everyone I have hurt I am truly sorry. All I can do is try to move forward and hope and pray for forgiveness in some form or another.

This scenario is real, this happened and it’s not only me. This happens to almost all of us with Bi Polar we are stuck in an ever-perpetual cycle of getting on track then having our demon illness destroy everything in one foul swoop.

Bipolar is my curse

Archie is my demon

We all have one or more. By we I mean bipolar sufferers, I have three distinct personalities there is me Ben, apparently, I’m a beautiful amazing person…. Then there is Russo and then there is the DEMON Archie. The other two personalities quite literally control me, they isolate me the make us hurt the people around us, its there way of saying we couldn’t kill you, so we will break you and everything you love to piece so you must suffer in pain forever.

To all of you with bi polar I know your struggles I feel your pain but please please reach out and get help before its too late. Talk to your loved one Don’t let your Archie get you and bend you over and fuck you in the ass like mine fucked me. REACH OUT don’t wait. Don’t make my mistake and try to battle alone.

Families, friends, wife’s, girlfriends, husbands,’ brothers’, sisters’, uncles’, aunts whoever if you have a loved one that has bipolar and you notice they are becoming angry or irritable or they are displaying those behaviours you know are manic. REACH OUT AND GRAB THEM AND SHAKE THEM AND SAY HEY COME BACK YOU CAN WIN YOU CAN BEAT THIS HORRIBLE DEMON IN YOUR MIND AND LOCK IT AWAY. You can help us, and we need you to, sometimes we just cannot do it alone. Look your loved one in the eye look past their illness and reach inside them, your love is stronger then you all know use that love to bring them back.

This illness is a curse on us and our families.

To everyone I have hurt I am truly sorry and will forever punish myself for the actions of my Archie controlled mind.

IM SORRY

Written by:

Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019

“I hope I will never become a suicide victim”

“I hope I will never become a suicide victim”

by | Mar 28, 2019 | Suicide

“I hope I will never become a suicide victim”

28 Mar 2019

The following journal entry was sent into me by a very brave and strong woman who I cannot thank enough for sharing with me and allowing me to give the world a glimpse into a noisy mind, This journal entry epitimises the the struggles we go through daily and shows how much we fight to live. Please use your discretion before reading this journal entry.

Ben

This journal entry contains high Trigger content. If you or someone close to you is experiencing Distress or is immediate danger call 000. For support please call Lifeline on 131114

 Today was meant to be the day I died.
It started of as any other day, I slept well, woke up with a clear mind and did my routine and then I went to work, I work as a disability carer, I worked 8am to 3pm. I left work it takes about 20 mins. Then it happened, I was listening to the radio with a BeeGee’s song came on ( tragedy ). Then the voice said ” your life is a tragedy”. Then the headache, then the storms hits. My head is full of black clouds with lightning going through it, the thoughts are flying around everywhere. ” your no good. your useless, your fat, you cant do anything right, your family wont miss your. Just kill yourself, you will be better off, no Pain….”
“Just do it, look there is a tree just smash into it”. Then i realised what i was doing, i was off the road heading for the tree, i slammed my brakes on, i looked up and there was the tree. Well i got hit big time with the voices, “you are useless, you cant do nothing right, you’re pathetic.” OMG Just shut up, stop talking, i cant take it anymore, 15 years of this I am going insane. I want it to stop. I got home and walked straight into my bedroom, i didnt even say hello to my son, i barricaded the door, had a shower, got into my PJ’s and took all my pills. I didnt make it to my bed, I was found on the floor by my son, he called the ambulance. I woke up by a nurse who was rubbing my chest bone with her knuckles. It was hurting , i told her to “Fuck off or I will stab her in the eye”. I realised i was not in heaven but still alive, great I am uselessi cant even kill myself. I felt so guiltythat my son found me, ts been 7 years since this suicide attemptand we havent talked about it. I dont think i could handle what he thought about that day.
I am still having the voices, I have had 2 more suicide attempts since this one. Everyone says that its a s sign that i am still here and i am meant to be here. I think I am getting better, I am learning to control the voices and negative thoughts. I hope i will never become a suicide victim…..

Anonymous

Written by:

Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019

Positivity is not the cure.

by | Mar 25, 2019 | Mental Illness

Positivity is not the cure.

25 Mar 2019

I must not talk in class. I must not talk in class. I must not talk in class. I must not talk in class.

I must not talk in class. I must not talk in class. I must not talk in class. I must not talk in class.

I must not talk in class. I must not talk in class. I must not talk in class. I must not talk in class.

I must not talk in class. I must not talk in class. I must not talk in class. I must not talk in class.

Admit it you skipped reading that…. but go back and read it through just so you hate me a little bit.

Fuck writing lines in school sucked so bad, I had a few teachers who loved making me write lines. Archaic form of boredom torture That we all hated but surprisingly ended up not remembering and the next day was back writing lines in the lunch break again. Probably because lines didn’t work as a punishment other than making me resent my teachers.

Fast Forward 15 years or so, for some reason everyone is telling me to stand in front of the mirror and tell myself over and over I am happy, I’m successful I’m loved or some other bullshit. Wait a minute I’m doing the adult equivalent of writing lines to make myself happy and positive. What airy fairy cookie loving idiot was it that decided this is how we make ourselves happy in life? NEWS FLASH MATE, telling yourself that you love yourself 10 times in the mirror every morning isn’t going to make you happy! It just makes you that dumb kid who kept having to write out lines in high school all over again.

I MUST LOVE MYSELF
I MUST BE POSITIVE
I MUST BE HAPPY
I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR NEGITIVITY

GOOD ENERGY IN BAD ENERGY OUT

NEGITIVITY…. Don’t be negative, shun negative thoughts, just be positive…

This people is just a big box of horse shit wrapped in pretty wrapping paper. We need negative experiences in life to be able to appreciate positive ones. You know what scrap those two words completely. We just need to have experiences both good and bad. That’s life

So how do I be happy? Well first of all its not by telling your self that you are. When you stop and think about it that’s a bloody stupid thing to think isn’t it? I used to think it, I used to be one of these “positivity” people. Or I tried to be, it never actually worked. Because it was never actually fixing the cause of the problem. Our lives are full of problems, they never go away they simply change, upgrade or even downgrade in severity. That’s depressing…. But have you ever solved a riddle or had an issue that you figured out and made it work? You felt good right? Made you happy within yourself you achieved that little goal.

So here is my point, the key to being happy isn’t telling yourself you are. It’s about solving the problems life is throwing at you and each time you solve a problem you give yourself a little happiness boost the more we solve the happier we get. This isn’t always easy and sometimes we need professional help but we can start small, for instance if your depressed and stuck in bed set yourself a tiny goal of getting up and having a shower and getting dressed, you can get straight back into bed after it doesn’t matter because you set a goal and solved that small problem of you smelt bad….and now you smell fresh and feel good you accomplished that one thing you set out to do. But if we avoid these problems they stay current, they make us miserable and control our lives and no amount of positivity is going to fix that shit. Positivity is toxic, it gives us a false reading on our internal happiness scale. Its like parking your car nose down on a hill and thinking you have a full tank of fuel then driving of for the day with your almost empty tank. Toxic Positivity has this same effect on our emotions it masks them, its forces us to ignore them and that’s just a fucking stupid idea.

Our emotions are our bodies way of telling us something is wrong, kind of our internal warning lights that say hey your sad better check what’s making you sad and fix it or hey your mad find out what’s pissed you off and remove it from your life.

Its time to stop listening to people saying just be positive and your life will be positive because it just won’t be, you just mask the problems and they fester under the surface and make you more miserable until you implode into an emotional or sometimes even a violent wreck.

Find the issue and fix it, its such a simple concept when out car gives us a warning light we take it to the mechanic and say “hey, my cars warning me something is wrong can you find out what it is and fix it for me please?” you get a warning you find it and you fix it and you drive away happy…imagine if your mechanic turned around and said “Engine light? Hmmm lets just tell it 5 times before we start it to be positive and not have an engine light on this time that should work.”

I’m going to aim this at everyone. If you have a problem in life that’s making you sad fix it, if you can not figure it out or fix it on your own GO GET HELP! It does not make you weak or useless, it makes you smart for asking for the tools from a professional to help solve the problems that are messing with your happiness. Being given the tools to help yourself is life changing in the best way.

So, guys, MAN UP, BE MEN and go get some tools to fix your shit, it doesn’t make You a pussy it makes you a man we live in 2019 guys that old mentality of its weak to ask for help died with our great grandfathers. REAL MEN FIX THEIR SHIT and own up to their own issues. And to all you women swallow your damn pride, it doesn’t make you any less of a strong woman to go learn some tools, it makes you stronger and better at problem solving and in turn a stronger happier person.

Moral of the story is.

FUCK POSITIVITY AND ITS TOXICNESS

FIX YOUR SHIT

IF YOU CAN’T FIX YOUR SHIT ASK FOR HELP

READ MY BLOGS COS IM BLOODY AWESOME

AND GET HAPPY THE RIGHT WAY!

Written by:

Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019

where did everyone go?

where did everyone go?

by | Mar 16, 2019 | All

where did everyone go?

16 Mar 2019

Its sad when people lose their lives. A few days ago, a crazed group of terrorists, and make no mistake they are terrorists… They shot 49 people most of them losing their lives. And yes, this loss of life was terrible, I felt pain for such a senseless loss of life and so did the entire world. So many lives lost….

Let’s go a little closer to home, Queensland, the state I live in. The murder rate in Queensland Australia for 2016 to 2017 was 38 murders across both years, 19 a year. 38 Tragic lives lost, the number makes us cringe, each murder on the news makes us sad it doesn’t matter if it was a drug related murder or a domestic violence related death it’s sad and we have an outpouring of support and hope and donations to families to help them through the tough time.

Sad….

That number though is low in comparison to car crash deaths in QLD Alone, 250 people die in motor vehicle accidents every year. 250 sets of families and their friends affected by tragic accidents. Again, we pour out support and donations and we talk about it we have ads on TV telling us to slow down, don’t drink and drive as well as the fatal 5…. All to try and stop the senseless loss of innocent life.

Sad….

One last number. 804.

In Qld in 2017, 804 people died by suicide.

NO ADS.

No out pouring of grief by the community as a whole.

No charity hand outs to the families struggling to come to terms with the loss of their loved one.

In Fact, just the mere mention of Suicide and charity and people run away! I unfortunately just experience this phenomenon myself today. People wanting to help a charity fundraiser until the word suicide is mentioned and they RUN….

Why as a community, do we hide from this topic or run when its mentioned?

Suicide is weak! Suicide is Selfish! Suicide is horrible and graphic!

Suicide is confronting and scary sometimes death by suicide can be graphic and brutal and devastating to families…. But so is a car crash and they show enactments of those on the news and in tv ads to slow down or not drink drive.

Its weak, FAR FROM IT. If you have ever met a person deep into a struggle with suicidal thoughts, you will know they are not weak. We as Suicidal people fight a battle in our minds every day, we fight to live, and we fight fucking hard! Those of us who attempt and those of us who succeed we are not weak we fight till our last breath. We lose battles and attempt, and some lose the war and succeed. BUT WE ARE NOT WEAK, WE ARE BRAVE, AND WE ARE STRONG.

Selfish….” that person who killed themselves was selfish! They didn’t care about their family or friends. They didn’t care about anyone but themselves. Selfish cowards.”

Selfish? NOT EVEN CLOSE! In fact, we as suicidal people think the exact opposite, in our minds we are convinced our families will be happier and better of with out us and the burden we feel we are on them. We are not selfish we are sick, and, in our minds, we are being selfless.

I guess what I am trying to say is why? why are we shunned spoken of in hushed tones or run away from? We are not scary! We are sick you do not run away from cancer, do you? no you throw millions of dollars into finding a cure only not everyone has cancer or will get cancer and some of us will be lucky enough to not even be touched by it in our lifetime. Yet every single person alive will have thoughts of suicide. Half of you reading this just scoffed and called me a dick head. Now stop and look back over your life with what I said in mind….

Now tell me not once in your life have you had a thought of suicide. “it’s all too hard, I can’t do it anymore I wish I was dead…” or “kill me now”. All of you just realised that you have had a suicidal thought at some point in your life. Ok so it was tiny and insignificant in your scheme of things, but it was still a suicidal thought. We all have these thoughts it is just to varying degrees.

I heard a story last week about a lady who lived a perfect happy life who in one week lost both her husband and her son… within a week she spiralled so deeply into depression that all she wanted was to take her life……. she survived.

But it goes to show you that any one of us at any point in time can be affected by suicide be it circumstance or mental illness. So, stop treating us like the plague. Bring us into the open. TALK WITH US, help those affected to feel comfortable enough to speak up and say HEY, HELP ME LIVE! We can save hundreds of lives if we just stop being afraid of a word, if we just stop running away. Suicide is not a dirty word and it needs to be spoken about as a community.

We can make a difference by just not running away standing up and talking about suicide.

Written by:

Ben Russoniello | ©benrussoniello 2019

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